Guest post by Beth Boynton

In the late 1990s I went through a painful divorce.  I had given up my voice and power in this long-term relationship that ended with much heartache for me.  At the time, my divorce was extraordinarily painful and I had a long road ahead learning how I sacrificed my own needs to take care of others.

My son and biggest blessing, Curran, was six at the time I became a single mom sharing custody.  Over the next few years I juggled mothering with per diem work, graduate school, dance aerobics class and self-employment!  We shared a tiny 2 bedroom apt near a beautiful beach on the coast of Maine.  During his growing up years I was learning and developing many skills that I was also teaching him.  How to develop assertiveness and all that involves’ like setting limits, identifying what you want and need and asking for it in a respectful way.

It was hard work developing a strong sense of self-respect, self-awareness, trust, and ownership.  I always felt like I was small step ahead of him in learning myself and then being able to teach him these ideals!

It was also an incredible phase of my life and I appreciated every minute I had with Curran.  He was the priority, but the lessons I was learning about making myself a priority were profoundly relevant to raising a healthy, well-adjusted and kind young man.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a lot of money.  We used to have great walks and talks along the beach.  Sometimes we’d cook up some special granola*.  We also spent many an afternoon creating hour-long music recordings that I would use to teach an aquasize class once a week in exchange for a gym membership.  We’d discuss the best songs for warm-up, rigorous exercise, and cool down and what would be a good piece for transitioning to the next song.  He’d write down the name and length of the song.  (I still have a playlist somewhere!)   We’d use some music from his world and some from mine.  Sometimes he’d come and watch me teach the class.  He got to see his recording efforts be used and his mother making exercise a fun priority.

Fast forward to the summer of 2009.  Curran was 18 and accepted into the honors program at Emerson College in Boston to study theatre education.   In the last weeks before he was going off to college, the owners of my apt sold their house.  All of a sudden I had 30 days to find a new place to live.

This is where the hardest decision in the title comes into play.  I wanted so badly to rent a 2 bedroom place so that he could have a space of his own with me even though he was on the cusp of adulthood and would need this space less and less.  His other parent has a big house and financial resources that added another painful element to my decision-making process.

As an RN in a full-time job, I knew I could afford to pay for such a place.  But I had just published my book, “Confident Voices:  The Nurses’ Guide to Improving Communication & Creating Positive Workplaces” and my consulting business was slowly growing.  I knew a full time position would drain the time and creative energy I needed to keep on that path.   In my heart I knew that he did not need me to make that sacrifice as much as I wanted to be able to provide for him in that way.  Just because I could do it, didn’t mean I should do it.  I also knew that if he needed this from me, I would make the sacrifice.  This letting go process meant I had to accept that he really didn’t need this from me even though there was part of me that loved and identified with being needed in this way.

I struggled with the decision while looking at rentals and finances.  I found a really neat studio that was very affordable in a neat little neighborhood on a dead end street that ended down by an estuary.  I talked and even cried a bit with Curran.  He agreed that we could make a section of the studio be “his” using a blow up mattress any time he wanted to stay.

This has worked out wonderfully.  He doesn’t stay often, but for holidays and week-end visits has been fine.  He knows he is always welcome and he also knows that I care about my own physical and mental health as well as my creative aspirations.  Aren’t these great gifts to give him, even if I haven’t given him more material things?

In May of 2013 Curran graduated from college and this September moved to Brooklyn, NY.  On the day before he moved, we enjoyed a 5 mile walk and talk along the beach where we used to live.  We stopped midway to have a cup of coffee and he took this picture!

This journey of caring for others, as mom, nurse, daughter, friend, etc is so much healthier and rewarding for all involved.  I learn this again and again as I continue the work of making sure that I too am worth the time!

Beth Boynton RN, MS is an organizational development consultant and author specializing in communication, collaboration, and emotional intelligence.  As a sponsor of the RCIV, Beth is sharing her pioneer work in developing and teaching Medical Improv for Healthcare Professionals!

Bonus: Beach Cottage Granola

Submitted by Beth Boynton, RN, MS

While raising a vegetarian son in our little York Beach, Maine apartment, I always tried to maximize protein and healthy fat in my cooking.  This recipe was a big hit with him and I got much satisfaction watching him gobble it up!

Ingredients

4 cups of Old Fashioned (slow cooking) oats

½ cup raw sunflower seeds

1/3 cup raw sesame seeds

1/3 cup raw walnuts, chopped or sliced

1/3 cup raw pecans, chopped or sliced

1/3 cup raw almonds, chopped or sliced

1/2 cup vegetable oil (Cook’s choice – mix in a couple drops of sesame seed oil)

1/2 cup honey or real maple syrup (Cook’s choice – combination of both)

3 tablespoons water

1/2 cup raisins

1/2 cup unsweetened coconut

Directions

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.  In a large bowl mix together oats, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, and nuts.  Pour in oil, honey or maple syrup, and water, and mix all until well blended.

Spread out on cookie sheet and bake for about 30 min minutes and stirring every 10 min or so. Remove from oven and add raisins and unsweetened coconut, and blend.  Let cool.

Note:  Can be kept in a sealed container for quite a while at room temperature or in refrigerator or freezer.

With permission from Marilynn Carter, Author of “No Fret Cooking”.