…A couple of things have been showing up lately, which (for me) is a sign that something important is revealing itself.  In May I spoke at my local chapter meeting for my nurses association.  My topic was on slowing down and checking in at a mind-body-emotion-spirit level to decide on one area for self-care change.  As we went around the room, there was a lot of discussion about saying “yes” to everything… even when we don’t have time…

…Then, I was on a participant on a call about the art of saying “no”.  We went through several exercises: how it feels to say “yes” when we really want to say “no”; saying “no” to ourselves when we want to say “yes” to something; and how it could feel if we said “no” and “yes” when we actually wanted to…

…These are just two examples of many experiences I have had in the past two months around this concept of saying “no”.  As a nurse- and then double-whammy- as a woman, often we put the needs of others before our own.  We keep saying “yes” to more and more things, piling up tasks on our already “full” plates.  Why is it so hard for us to say “no”?  How come we want to try to “do it all”?…

…I will share from my own experience, as that is the one I live and breathe each day… but I am sure that in my words some of you will hear your own stories.  So be gentle, read on, and just know that it helps to uncover these uncomfortable tendencies.  The more that we can become conscious of what we are doing… the more we can choose to change what we want and don’t want to occur.  So how come I find it difficult to say “no”?…

• Prove Myself: When I worked on my inpatient psych unit, I was notorious for saying “yes” all of the time.  “Sure, I’ll be on the committee!  Of course, I’ll head up that project!  Yes, I can work for you…”  Reflecting back on what was going on; I realized that I was trying to prove myself to my colleagues, my manager, the physicians, etc.  I was looking for them to value me.  I was attempting to demonstrate I was important enough to receive their respect and admiration.  Instead of looking inward, loving me for who I was, I was looking externally for validation of my worth.
• Perceptions of Others: No one wants to be labeled as the “mean girl”.  We want people to see us as nice, kind, helpful, and friendly.  We worry that when we say “no” other people will not like us… at least I have.  I’ve worried that if I don’t do what my co-workers ask of me they will gossip, spread rumors, or look down on me.  No one wants to be judged by another human being… but guess what?  Those judgments are just the self-critics inside of us.  We have the capacity to stand up for ourselves and to do what we know is right (and healthy) for us.
• Clarity: Maybe part of our saying “yes” all of the time is because we forget to pause and really feel if “yes” is the proper answer.  I know I rush into things sometimes without really thinking them through only to find myself halfway through a project and wantingto back out!  If we are unclear with ourselves we may just head for a “yes” answer as a quick decision.  Instead of really thinking it through and creating clarity around a situation we jump right in saying “yes” when we are actually unsure… or mean “no”.
• Missed Opportunity: For me, lately this is huge. As a new business owner, I feel compelled to say “yes” to every little thing that comes my way.  What if I say “no” and wind up missing out on a huge opportunity?  What if I pass up the next “best thing”?  How will I feel if I realize I made the wrong choice?  Well guess what?  There will always be another opportunity.  There will always be someone else asking you to do something.  We cannot do it all… in fact; we will burn ourselves out by trying to.

…Stay tuned for the follow-up post next week where I share what this is doing to our health and how we can shift these behaviors.  Part II will share ideas around how to listen to your inner self…

How about you?  Do you have experiences with saying “yes” or “no” when you really mean the opposite?  What have you noticed about your reasons to why you do this?